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  The Battle of HINAs Vs. HINIs  


By: Dr. T. R. N. Rao
May 22, 2006
iews expressed here are author’s own and not of this website. Full disclaimer is at the bottom.


The internet battle over CAL School textbook edits on Hinduism is becoming fiercer day by day. The average Hindian (Hindu / Indian) is lost in the quagmire of new articles and new vocabulary. HINA, HINI, HEEN, Hindology, Hinduphobia, Fraudley, Doshpandu, NRI (Non-Returning Indian), etc, have been invented by scholars from the warring factions. First to untangle this mess and explain it to her readers, Aarati Buchwala, a reporter of BharatBlogs.com (BBC) goes to interview Professor Mickey Vischill of Harford University, who is also the firebrand commander of HINI forces.

Aarati: Namaste! Professor Vischil! I am Arati Buchwala of BBC.

Professor V: Oh, Artie Buchwala! When you called me and I heard your name, it brought so many fond memories of my beloved satirist friend, Art Buchwald. Swagatam, upavisatu (welcome, take a seat)

Aarati: Dhanyavaad, Pandita mahodya! Melanena bahu santoshah (My regards, Distinguished Professor, I am very pleased to meet you). I learnt some Samskrita sambhashana (speaking) long time ago, but I forgot much of it. I dare not try it in front of a world famous Sanskrit professor like you. So please, permit me to converse in English.

Prof. V: Chintamaastu bhavati (don’t worry, dear)

A: First, let me thank you for granting me this wonderful opportunity to get your perspectives on the ongoing battle for textbook edits. Let me begin with ‘HINA’, Professor. I was told you are the architect that had come up with this indomitable word, HINA, to describe your enemy side, and fired the first shot. Am I right?

Prof: Artie, You may not know, I am nice jovial person. I some times poke fun at people if I don’t like their ways. I may have used a couple of times ‘HINA’ word as a short form for ‘Hindus In North America’. I never thought that my Indology Associates would catch and run with it until it became a household word. I am indebted for their deep respect for me and crowning me as the world’s foremost authority on Sanskrit.

A: Forgive me, Professor, for my ignorance. Why so much fuss about just one word, HINA? What does that mean? Is that very offensive?

Prof: Literally Hina in Sanskrit means inferior, low-born or reprehensible. The English word ‘heinous’ came from hina, but took on uglier meanings like ‘cruel’ shockingly evil, etc. From the root heen, I derived hinah (masc. nom. case) and hinii (fem. Nom. Case), and the whole table of vibhaktis (propositions & declinations): hinah, hinau, hinaah, hinam, hinau, hinaan; hinena, hinayaa, hinaat …….hinasya, hinayor, hinaanaam… and so on and hundred other new declinations also for hinii.

A: Just from one root so much vocabulary! You are truly a genius, Professor. You created all this to humble your enemies using your power of grammar. What is its impact?

Prof: The real impact of this is on my Sanskrit class and Sanskrit teaching in USA. The students love that ‘Hina’ Table. It is so much easier to memorize than the older, outmoded table: Bushah (Mr. Bush), Bushau (two Bushes), Bushaah (More Bushes); Busham, Bushaan, .. Bushena, Bushaabhyaam, Bushaihi, Bushaaya, Bushaat … Bushasya, etc.

A: This is so inspiring to hear this. I wish I had studied under you, Professor. My SAT and GRE scores were so pitiful you would never let me come within ten miles of your campus.

Prof: Now you have sneaked in using that fancy name of yours and your BBC Company.

A: So, your opponents, HINAs, did not keep quite. They countered you. How?

Prof: They struggled to counter by calling me and my Associates as HINduphobic Indologists or HINIs. Some of them called us Hindology Experts ENtourage as HEEN. But it only shows Hinas have no originality and they are nitwits when it comes to grammar; just copycats.

A: Gosh, you made it so easy for even a dumbi like me to understand this whole HINA Vs. HINI battle scene. You are not just a great Sanskrit professor; you are the prachanda (firebrand) commander-in-chief of HINI forces. You also have invented new terminology: NRIs for Non-Returning Indians and their boaring rituals. What is boaring ritual, Pandita Mahodaya?

Prof: Of course, I construct and deconstruct at will those and many more. You can look up to dictionary, boar is another word for wild pig, the Varaaha. HINAs pray to varaaha in their rituals.

A: The ‘I’ in NRI is just for Indians, not Italian or Irish. What else?

Prof: Also I said they are opening their classical dance (Bharat natyam, Odissi etc) schools in USA and those dances were not of a noble profession back home.

A: You mean devadasis (temple maiden) doing natyam (dance) is a kinky business? Any more gems like that?

Prof: Yes. Also I remarked that HINAs are now constructing crematoria in every American city. How disgusting can they get? It is very sad to see some of our white American pseudo-scholars join HINAS and fight against us. You know that fraudley types.

A: Fraudley, you mean Dr. Frawley?

Prof: Yes. But, don’t dare utter that name in front of me. Doctor, Pundit and Sastry, etc. He is simply a fraudley for me

A: Why so much venom you carry, Professor? In this kurukshetra (slang for great war), they have just a few Frawleys, sorry, fraudleys. But you HINIs have under your command many brown coconuts (a slang for Indian toughs), such as, Madden Doshpande, Paulen Appan and Roomi Thappur.

Prof: That is true. I love them; they strictly obey each and every command of mine.

A: He (Frawley) and other HINAs have published impeccable evidence against your pet AIT (Aryan Invasion Theory). They have published many articles in respected journals, and scholarly works based on Vedic literature, Astronomy, Archeology. Finally, the DNA, Genetics and Population Dynamics provide scientific proof that North and South Indians share the same mtDNA which is distinct from that of Europeans. Aryan-Dravidian divide is a mischievous British construct. AIT is just bunk created by British colonialists to expand and promote their empire. I hear that old British parliamentary records reveal and confess to this fraud, called, Aryan Invasion. “When are you going to bury your pet?” HINAs are asking you.

Prof: Nothing can ever change in my mind. Look at my name. Can’t you see ‘shil’ ending? Shil means rock and so also are my mind and my AIT.

A: Now, coming to the ongoing battle of HINAs vs. HINIs, what is your take?

Prof: It is no battle. It has never been a battle. HINAs, led by Hindu fundies, came in with a surprise attack and forced some textbook edits to safronize the school textbooks. But as I led my renowned Hindology forces, HINAs ran for shelter.

A: HINAs claim that nearly 90% of their edits got approved. They have hired some prestigious law firms and filed legal cases against Cal School Board over the remaining key issues. How does this war going to end?

Prof: Oh! Artie, you are too naïve for these scholarly matters. Our Hindology forces at my command are second to none. You have a pretty face and have a fanciful name. Take GRE one more time and reapply to my university. I will take you. You, of course, will be my grad assistant if you color your hair blond or something like that to match your GRE.

A: I am just a HINdu female from INdia, a HININA, perhaps, in your Heen warfare vocabulary. I am afraid I can cope up neither with your Heen Sanskrit nor with your patronizing. Finally, I have to ask this one last question, Professor. I have read in an article written by a HINA that your name Vischil is sandhi (joininig) of Visha and shil. (Visha means poison and shil means stone.) Another brings out Wicked + shil = Vischil. It appears there are some Bhimasenas, and Dristadyumnas (fierce warriors) on their side?

Prof: Couple of years ago, I have kicked out some of my HINA students from my SANSKRIT 102 course for creating a new sandhi like that and breaking up some I created. They may have joined my enemy camp and created this kind of grammars as their revenge. When would those poor things learn that I am the one and only one with the authority on Sanskrit grammars in this world?

A: I have read somewhere in your discourses, that you have criticized Panini for not understanding Vedic-text grammars as well as you do and that Panini grammars are fine for puranic Sanskrit texts only.

Prof: If Panini ever comes back to this earth, he will be pleased to sit on the floor next to my chair practicing my grammars.

A: Vow! MahaPanditaMahodaya! Sahasra pranaam (Super duper Professor, thousand thanks) for your ‘prank’ exposition. Dhanyavaadah! Punar milaavah. (Regards and we shall meet again)

W: Evamastu, Subhamastu! (Okay, I bless you.)

End Note: All names and anecdotes in this satirical interview are purely fictional with love for none and malice for all (Hinas and Hinis) equally. Comments are welcome at artiebuch@gmail.com

Dr. T. R. N. Rao

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Previous articles by:
Dr. T. R. N. Rao

An Open Letter to the Editor of India Abroad

Intellectual Terrorism-Unholy and un-American

All articles by:
Dr. T. R. N. Rao


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