By: Dr. T. R. N. Rao
May 22, 2006
expressed here are author’s own and not of this website. Full disclaimer
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The internet battle over CAL School textbook edits on Hinduism is
becoming fiercer day by day. The average Hindian (Hindu / Indian) is lost
in the quagmire of new articles and new vocabulary. HINA, HINI, HEEN,
Hindology, Hinduphobia, Fraudley, Doshpandu, NRI (Non-Returning Indian),
etc, have been invented by scholars from the warring factions. First to
untangle this mess and explain it to her readers, Aarati Buchwala, a
reporter of BharatBlogs.com (BBC) goes to interview Professor Mickey
Vischill of Harford University, who is also the firebrand commander of
Aarati: Namaste! Professor Vischil! I am Arati Buchwala of BBC.
Professor V: Oh, Artie Buchwala! When you called me and I heard
your name, it brought so many fond memories of my beloved satirist friend,
Art Buchwald. Swagatam, upavisatu (welcome, take a seat)
Aarati: Dhanyavaad, Pandita mahodya! Melanena bahu santoshah (My
regards, Distinguished Professor, I am very pleased to meet you). I learnt
some Samskrita sambhashana (speaking) long time ago, but I forgot much of
it. I dare not try it in front of a world famous Sanskrit professor like
you. So please, permit me to converse in English.
Prof. V: Chintamaastu bhavati (don’t worry, dear)
A: First, let me thank you for granting me this wonderful opportunity to
get your perspectives on the ongoing battle for textbook edits. Let me
begin with ‘HINA’, Professor. I was told you are the architect that had
come up with this indomitable word, HINA, to describe your enemy side, and
fired the first shot. Am I right?
Prof: Artie, You may not know, I am nice jovial person. I some times poke
fun at people if I don’t like their ways. I may have used a couple of
times ‘HINA’ word as a short form for ‘Hindus In North America’. I never
thought that my Indology Associates would catch and run with it until it
became a household word. I am indebted for their deep respect for me and
crowning me as the world’s foremost authority on Sanskrit.
A: Forgive me, Professor, for my ignorance. Why so much fuss about just
one word, HINA? What does that mean? Is that very offensive?
Prof: Literally Hina in Sanskrit means inferior, low-born or
reprehensible. The English word ‘heinous’ came from hina, but took on
uglier meanings like ‘cruel’ shockingly evil, etc. From the root heen, I
derived hinah (masc. nom. case) and hinii (fem. Nom. Case), and the whole
table of vibhaktis (propositions & declinations): hinah, hinau, hinaah,
hinam, hinau, hinaan; hinena, hinayaa, hinaat …….hinasya, hinayor,
hinaanaam… and so on and hundred other new declinations also for hinii.
A: Just from one root so much vocabulary! You are truly a genius,
Professor. You created all this to humble your enemies using your power of
grammar. What is its impact?
Prof: The real impact of this is on my Sanskrit class and Sanskrit
teaching in USA. The students love that ‘Hina’ Table. It is so much easier
to memorize than the older, outmoded table: Bushah (Mr. Bush), Bushau (two
Bushes), Bushaah (More Bushes); Busham, Bushaan, .. Bushena, Bushaabhyaam,
Bushaihi, Bushaaya, Bushaat … Bushasya, etc.
A: This is so inspiring to hear this. I wish I had studied under you,
Professor. My SAT and GRE scores were so pitiful you would never let me
come within ten miles of your campus.
Prof: Now you have sneaked in using that fancy name of yours and your BBC
A: So, your opponents, HINAs, did not keep quite. They countered you. How?
Prof: They struggled to counter by calling me and my Associates as
HINduphobic Indologists or HINIs. Some of them called us Hindology Experts
ENtourage as HEEN. But it only shows Hinas have no originality and they
are nitwits when it comes to grammar; just copycats.
A: Gosh, you made it so easy for even a dumbi like me to understand this
whole HINA Vs. HINI battle scene. You are not just a great Sanskrit
professor; you are the prachanda (firebrand) commander-in-chief of HINI
forces. You also have invented new terminology: NRIs for Non-Returning
Indians and their boaring rituals. What is boaring ritual, Pandita
Prof: Of course, I construct and deconstruct at will those and many more.
You can look up to dictionary, boar is another word for wild pig, the
Varaaha. HINAs pray to varaaha in their rituals.
A: The ‘I’ in NRI is just for Indians, not Italian or Irish. What else?
Prof: Also I said they are opening their classical dance (Bharat natyam,
Odissi etc) schools in USA and those dances were not of a noble profession
A: You mean devadasis (temple maiden) doing natyam (dance) is a kinky
business? Any more gems like that?
Prof: Yes. Also I remarked that HINAs are now constructing crematoria in
every American city. How disgusting can they get? It is very sad to see
some of our white American pseudo-scholars join HINAS and fight against
us. You know that fraudley types.
A: Fraudley, you mean Dr. Frawley?
Prof: Yes. But, don’t dare utter that name in front of me. Doctor, Pundit
and Sastry, etc. He is simply a fraudley for me
A: Why so much venom you carry, Professor? In this kurukshetra (slang for
great war), they have just a few Frawleys, sorry, fraudleys. But you HINIs
have under your command many brown coconuts (a slang for Indian toughs),
such as, Madden Doshpande, Paulen Appan and Roomi Thappur.
Prof: That is true. I love them; they strictly obey each and every command
A: He (Frawley) and other HINAs have published impeccable evidence against
your pet AIT (Aryan Invasion Theory). They have published many articles in
respected journals, and scholarly works based on Vedic literature,
Astronomy, Archeology. Finally, the DNA, Genetics and Population Dynamics
provide scientific proof that North and South Indians share the same mtDNA
which is distinct from that of Europeans. Aryan-Dravidian divide is a
mischievous British construct. AIT is just bunk created by British
colonialists to expand and promote their empire. I hear that old British
parliamentary records reveal and confess to this fraud, called, Aryan
Invasion. “When are you going to bury your pet?” HINAs are asking you.
Prof: Nothing can ever change in my mind. Look at my name. Can’t you see
‘shil’ ending? Shil means rock and so also are my mind and my AIT.
A: Now, coming to the ongoing battle of HINAs vs. HINIs, what is your
Prof: It is no battle. It has never been a battle. HINAs, led by Hindu
fundies, came in with a surprise attack and forced some textbook edits to
safronize the school textbooks. But as I led my renowned Hindology forces,
HINAs ran for shelter.
A: HINAs claim that nearly 90% of their edits got approved. They have
hired some prestigious law firms and filed legal cases against Cal School
Board over the remaining key issues. How does this war going to end?
Prof: Oh! Artie, you are too naïve for these scholarly matters. Our
Hindology forces at my command are second to none. You have a pretty face
and have a fanciful name. Take GRE one more time and reapply to my
university. I will take you. You, of course, will be my grad assistant if
you color your hair blond or something like that to match your GRE.
A: I am just a HINdu female from INdia, a HININA, perhaps, in your Heen
warfare vocabulary. I am afraid I can cope up neither with your Heen
Sanskrit nor with your patronizing. Finally, I have to ask this one last
question, Professor. I have read in an article written by a HINA that your
name Vischil is sandhi (joininig) of Visha and shil. (Visha means poison
and shil means stone.) Another brings out Wicked + shil = Vischil. It
appears there are some Bhimasenas, and Dristadyumnas (fierce warriors) on
Prof: Couple of years ago, I have kicked out some of my HINA students from
my SANSKRIT 102 course for creating a new sandhi like that and breaking up
some I created. They may have joined my enemy camp and created this kind
of grammars as their revenge. When would those poor things learn that I am
the one and only one with the authority on Sanskrit grammars in this
A: I have read somewhere in your discourses, that you have criticized
Panini for not understanding Vedic-text grammars as well as you do and
that Panini grammars are fine for puranic Sanskrit texts only.
Prof: If Panini ever comes back to this earth, he will be pleased to sit
on the floor next to my chair practicing my grammars.
A: Vow! MahaPanditaMahodaya! Sahasra pranaam (Super duper Professor,
thousand thanks) for your ‘prank’ exposition. Dhanyavaadah! Punar milaavah.
(Regards and we shall meet again)
W: Evamastu, Subhamastu! (Okay, I bless you.)
End Note: All names and anecdotes in this satirical interview are purely
fictional with love for none and malice for all (Hinas and Hinis) equally.
Comments are welcome at firstname.lastname@example.org
Dr. T. R. N. Rao
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